The human heart feels things the eyes cannot
see, and knows what the mind cannot understand. --Robert
Valett
Look With Your Heart: Lessons From My Time With My Grandmother
--by Mia
Tagano, syndicated from servicespace.org,
Jul 29, 2014
There is a quote somewhere, perhaps it is a lyric to a song “look with your heart not with your eyes” – I love this and try whenever possible to include my heart as I go throughout the day, especially when meeting new people.
Recently,
my 94 year old grandmother was moved from hospital to a rehabilitation/care
facility. I have been visiting her almost daily. She has dementia and has no
short term memory –she doesn’t know I came yesterday but is grateful to see me
today. We laugh easy together, play solitaire in partnership, high-five with
both hands when she “wins" at the end; we play only as long as it is fun then I
hold her hands, or she holds mine - We hold each other. She used to hold just
one hand but nowadays she reaches for both and squeezes tightly. Sometimes, she
falls asleep. Still holding on. When I go to leave, I kiss her face – literally
- her forehead, her eyes, cheeks and mouth – she giggles and thanks me for
coming to visit her. I thank her for her love. It is an intimate and beautiful
period of our life together.
My
grandmother shares a room with another woman. Here, it is not the same feeling
as it would be if you chose your roommate. Sometimes you aren’t aware of the
other person, sometimes you are so aware and feel the room to be too small for
the both of you, or you are grateful there is another person there so you are
not alone. It depends on the individual. I try to be considerate of other people
– Say hello, introduce myself, let people know that I am Mutsuko’s
granddaughter, and then let them have their privacy - try not to be too loud
with my grandmother, try to stay aware that we are sharing the same space. When
I leave I say good-bye - basic stuff I think.
My
grandmother’s current “roommate” has been in the room just over a week. When I
first came in and she was there, I said hello as usual. She nodded to me but
didn’t use words, she seemed agitated which is normal considering the place
(either folks are in some sort of rehabilitation or they are too old to care for
themselves – it’s not necessarily a choice to be here, and it feels just a step
up from a sterile hospital environment)- in fact, mostly she grunted, a lot. I
was not sure if she was impaired mentally as well as physically.
When
I took my grandmother outside, I asked the lady if she was okay with the screen
door open a bit. She nodded yes. You won’t be too cold? I asked. She shook her
head no. Later when I left, I hugged and kissed my grandmother good-bye and
wished her sweet dreams. And, then took the hand of the woman and wished her
sweet dreams as well. She looked at me with such sweetness, with gratitude. The
next day, we had a repeat of the day before but when I left this time I took
both of her hands and held them as I said sweet dreams. She looked at me deeply,
her face smiling.
Slowly,
without words, we were building a relationship based on kindness. Yesterday, I
said my usual hellos but this time as I was sitting with my grandmother I
included Andrea in the conversation a bit more. I started to use her name this
day. She began to try to explain what was going on with her. She tried and tried
to speak but even one word was difficult. She was grunting and hitting herself
out of frustration. I said, it must be frustrating. She said, yes! I said, take
your time, we aren’t in a rush. No rush, she said. She started tapping her arm
that was in a sling. Not broke, she said. And, she started to try to explain
more but was getting frustrated again as the words struggled to come out. One
word at a time, I said. One. Word. At. A. Time. She said. You had a stroke, I
said. (I had heard the nurses talking earlier). YES, she said. Your arm doesn’t
work right now so it is in a sling because the weight isn’t helpful just hanging
like that. YES she said. I have a friend who had a similar experience; I
understand, I said. You understand! You understand! She said. You are doing
well. Your face doesn’t droop which is typical with folks who’ve had strokes.
She looked at me with astonishment - It doesn’t droop? I smiled as I shook my
head no. It doesn’t droop! It doesn’t droop! She bounced a bit on her bed as she
said this. You are strong. I said. I am strong, she said. Look, Look! She said.
Tone, Tone! She was showing me one of her legs – the side that wasn’t working
well. Watch, Watch! She lay back and struggled slowly to move her right knee to
meet her left, the right leg floppy, she helped it a bit with her good hand,
slowly, her knees balanced together for a moment and for that moment she was in
control again of her body. Time stopped. And, then, we both screamed a “Whoo
Hoo” and clapped together. I said, Congratulations! That is a really big deal
Andrea. You are getting better. Step by step. Step by step, she said. I went to
her and hugged her. She put her head on my shoulder and cried. And then hugged
me a second time. We were both crying then.
After
this, she slowly shared more about her life and I found out more of who this
woman is, found out more about her spirit. And, all of this happened in the span
of 30 minutes. Amazing. It doesn’t take long to make a real intimate genuine
human connection with someone. It only takes stopping for a moment, listening
deeply, and looking with your heart rather than your eyes. YES. Moment to
moment. Step by step.
Update: Last month, I shared a story about my
grandmother and a woman named Andrea. Andrea had had a stroke and was learning
to talk again and move her legs. When I wrote last, she was barely getting one
word out at a time and had just relearned to bring her knees together while
lying down. I have been gone a week and my grandmother was moved to another part
of the facility. I went to Andrea's room to see how she was doing. She
practically leapt out of her bed! You came back! She said along with other full
sentences filled with joy. She hugged me so tightly as we laughed and I shouted,
you're talking, you're talking! I told her that I had shared her story and that
people from all over the world were thinking of her and praying for her. She
stopped then and started to cry. She held my hand. They are praying for me? Yes,
I said. Tell them thank you she said. Tell them that I walked for the first time
- 15 steps. Tell them, there will be more she said. Tell them, Thank you.
Be The Change: This week, discover how
non-verbal communication can warm up your relationship with others.
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