Buried Treasure: The Story Of A Marriage

You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter. --Eckart Tolle

Buried Treasure: The Story of a Marriage

--by Carolyn North, syndicated from carolynnorthbooks.com, Sep 14, 2016

Last night I saw a swashbuckling production of TREASURE ISLAND, that wild tale of adventure on the high seas and mayhem on tropical islands with buried treasure, and good guys and bad guys mixing it up with every mishap in the world you could imagine.

It reminded me a bit of my marriage.

It has been a year and a half since Herb died, and all the ups and down, triumphs and tragedies of our long life together are peeling off me one by one, as I remember and let go, releasing him bit by bit as I grieve and heal from the loss of the half-century journey we took together. It feels like removing petals from a daisy, or an artichoke one by one down to the heart, where, surrounded by yet one more protective choke of thistle, lies the delicious heart that distills the taste of the whole plant.

So, I’m there and almost ready to take that last bite of the heart of the fruit.

Like most marriages, I guess, we were a mixed bag of personality differences, varied preferences, unexamined childhood traumas, weaknesses and strengths, hopes and passions. I think he and I partnered each other with as much love and courage as we could, making every mistake in the book on a daily basis but trying to learn from them and carry on. We, with our children, were a brave but merry little band most of the time, and laughter graced our dinner table nightly. (With dinner in our bellies, we were a fabulously witty bunch!) 

Though I wish I had done many things differently over the years, and known then what I know now, I have no real regrets.

However, all that is water under the bridge, as they say – washed away into past history with my tears and memories and stories – and what is left is the deeper essence that, I believe, brought us together in the first place.

I think of our marriage, now, as mythic. 

Herb, the budding scientist, serious and smart, wounded from the Holocaust in childhood and determined to succeed in his new world, and Carolyn, the mystical, impractical artist-type with a crazy Russian family and a tender heart. It was as if we had found each other across space and time, speaking different languages but determined to try understanding one another anyhow.

It is that that I contemplate now as I look back over the years at who we were and what we accomplished, and I realize it was a big piece of mutual soul work we were doing.  We were attempting to complete ourselves with one another, to find a common frame that combined the rational and the intuitive, suspecting that a true understanding of the world included both. 

We knew that we both wished for a Wholeness we could not attain on our own, and we both wished to do it with love.

Of course there were times when, frustrated down to my bones and thinking he would never get it, I was ready to pack a bag and leave. (Herb claimed he never once thought to leave.) But then I would simmer down, realizing that if he and I – two people who loved each other - couldn’t find a way of communicating what we saw without fighting over it, then how could we expect the rest of the world to do so? We were not just ‘us,’ we were also representatives of our two mindsets, with a responsibility to make this experiment work.

Slowly, over the years, we both softened our stances to make room for the other’s reality, feeling for, and finding the places where our perceptions could resonate with the other’s frame of reference.

I learned to listen closely, and shift my mind into hard ‘facts’ lined up in a logical argument, recognizing the clarity and beauty of keeping things simple, and he cautiously spread his perceptions into my more amorphous direction, writing poetry and feeling his way towards unexpected synchronicities. 

His joke was that as a scientist at the University he was considered a radical amongst his colleagues, but when he came home he was the conservative in the family. He called me a witch when magic happened around me, but learned to admire whatever it was that made magic happen; I, of course, depended upon his expertise to keep everything running, from the finances to the plumbing. 

We were a team – a damn good team with a good long run. 

But it went deeper than that – quite a bit deeper – and that is what I am contemplating now. What, I believe, we all need to be contemplating in one way or another.

It has to do with letting go of the arguments, of having to be ‘right’ about everything while making other points of view ‘wrong.’ It’s about listening for where varied wisdoms touch, even when the language is different.

 It’s about letting go of either/or thinking and finding the pathways towards both/and understandings. 

And doing so calmly, with love.

On Herb’s last night I sat with him while he slept, his breathing slowing, his face calm and inward looking. We had said everything we needed to say to each other in this life, we had maintained our friendship and humor even through the worst of his last few weeks – doing every last moment together, no matter what. 

I was beyond exhaustion, and he was ready to go.

Alone in the room with him when he breathed his last breath, I was quite surprised to hear myself exclaim out loud,

“We did it!”

And knew I was referring to all 58 years of our marriage.

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This article is reprinted with permission. Carolyn North writes about Consciousness Change, about storytelling as a kickstarter to creativity. Her forms are autobiographical stories, mythology retellings, and how-to books. Learn more at her website. 

Be The Change: Reflect on a close relationship in your life, and what treasures of wisdom and transformation are buried beneath its surface.

Sourced From www.dailygood.org

A Special Kind of Grace: The Remarkable Story of the Devadosses

Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point. --C.S. Lewis

A Special Kind of Grace: The Remarkable Story of the Devadosses

--by DailyGood.org, Sep 10, 2016

She starts to speak, softly and in beautiful Tamil. Now and again he joins in, with a sly sentence here, a funny line there. They are sharing the story of their lives with a roomful of strangers. Before they started no one in the audience knew who they were. By the close of the evening- no one would be able to forget.

Manohar is a scientist-writer-artist, an innovator with a restless intelligence and vivid imagination. He grew up in the Madurai of the 1940s, a schoolboy at large, roaming the city under the great gopurams (temple towers) of Goddess Meenakshi.

Mahema, his wife, is an engaging person, lively and articulate. She was born and raised in Madras, a convent-educated gold-medallist who studied Art and Literature.

Soon after they were married the couple moved to America. They had a beautiful baby girl named Suja. They traveled. They made friends. Eventually they moved back to India. Wherever they were, they lived and laughed a lot.

And very often they talked about the Art of Giving, something dear to Mahema's heart. It was important to her- to them- that they share their many blessings with others. She was a wonderful teacher, he was a gifted scientist, and they were both talented artists. Together they found many ways to give.

And Life was Good.

Then there was the car accident that changed everything. Mahema was badly hurt. The accident left her paralyzed below the shoulders- for life.

'She had no control over many bodily functions ... she would have to be loaded with drugs that would dull her sharp mind. She would have to live with the constant threat of infections, bedsores and spasms. She would be a 'dependent' all her life, needing 24-hour attention ...' 
- Manohar Devadoss, from his book "Dreams, Seasons & Promises"

Mahema looked at her new life and it was hard. From now on it was going to be easier for her to receive than give. Easier- yes. But who says Mahema chose the easy way?

Because she didn't.

When dreams are destroyed it takes a rare kind of courage to pick up the pieces, to push past the pain, self-pity, the but-why-me-Lord?

bewilderment. " All I wanted," says Mahema, " was the strength to be a good mother, a good wife and a good friend�.those were my dreams." So she reached inside herself to find that strength. And she did.

More than thirty years later- here she is. Blooming, beaming in her wheelchair. She's sixty-three and she's beautiful. She is here to tell this audience that they must focus on the good things in their lives, and on all that they CAN do. " Believe in your Dreams," she says, not once but many times.

Mahema started teaching Spoken English classes at her home, she began work on a series of childrens books, she joined several women's groups and began to head fund-raising activities for a number of charities, she went through physiotherapy and slowly, painstakingly learned to use her shoulder muscles to write. People were inevitably drawn to her, by her charm, warmth and especially her cheerfulness. The pain was still there, and the grief of loss- but Mahema refused to dwell in it. She put it aside and opened the doors of her changed life to the world. " I know I still can be of service to people," says Mahema, smiling.

Listening to her speak you realize that service is an attitude- a mindset. It means putting the best of yourself forward no matter where you are or what you're doing. It's irrelevant that Mahema is in a wheelchair, and that she cannot hold the microphone or even sip from a glass of water by herself. Her generosity of spirit transcends her disability. Some people wonder what they have to give the world. Mahema reminds us that without exception we all have something to give -- arguably one of the best gifts of all -- ourselves.

Through all of this she had one constant, unfailing companion, one person whose strength would stand in when hers faltered. Manohar Devadoss felt the loss as keenly as his wife, and would fight as hard to overcome it. From the minutest detail of her crucial and complicated medical routine to the exact angle at which the wheelchair must be placed when she is being lifted out of their car, he knows it all. For more than three decades he has been her most faithful nurse and attendant always looking for ways to lessen the burden of pain she carries. He is particularly proud of a self-devised technique he uses to carry Mahema up long flights of stairs in her wheelchair. An incredible feat- especially when you realize that Manohar cannot see the steps, or even the wheelchair.

Around the time of the accident Manohar's vision began to fail. He was diagnosed with Retinitis pigmentosa- a degenerative eye condition for which there is no known cure.

Today he is almost totally blind.

The silence in the hall is very loud. Mere curiosity was replaced a long time ago with a growing sense of wonder, because the twin-tragedies in this story have inspired more than ready sympathy. This couple is here to share- not their sadness, but their strength.

Five years ago Manohar published his first book, "The Green Well Years", an affectionate tribute to his early years in Madurai. It retells the magic of a South Indian boyhood set against the beguiling charm of an old temple-city. The exquisite pen-and-ink drawings in the book are his. Because of his condition, Manohar has no color perception, he has acute tunnel vision, and the little he does see

is as if seen through a pinhole. Yet his drawings are flawless, sharp-edged, heartbreaking reproductions of snapshots from his life.

How does he do it? With special eyedrops to dilate his pupils, with super strong lights and special magnifiers, with gloves (because the lights make his hands sweat and that could blotch the drawing), with a photographic memory and uncompromising attention to detail, with a dedication and perseverance that go far beyond the ordinary.

Together each year they work on a special set of greeting cards. Manohar does the drawing and Mahema prepares a short write-up explaining the particular significance of the place, building, statue or scene that he has drawn. The cards are sold and the proceeds donated to one of the many charities they are involved with. The Art of Giving is as much a part of their lives today as it ever was.

The impossible is worth reaching for. You learn that, listening to these two. When you start testing the boundaries of what you can do- you break through self-imposed limitations. " Believe in Yourself," says Mahema. " Believe in your dreams and in yourself."

They live life in loving detail. Sunsets, a special dish, an old tune, an unexpected guest, a sudden breeze -- when these things come by, they are There. When you embrace life you come alive to the beauty of the present. That's what these two have done.

Today Manohar Devadoss has three books to his credit, and is working on a fourth. Mahema continues to be involved with a number of fund-raising projects and women's committees. Both of them have a wide circle of friends and admirers and continue to be an inspiration to everyone who knows them.

Accept Life.

Sounds simple, lives pretty tough. Our rebel hearts stage a hundred mutinies each day. Resisting, refusing, denying, defying. Sometimes we fight life off with flying fists. Forgetting to remember that it takes more courage to be still. Because Acceptance isn't about weak-willed submission to the blows of chance and fate, it isn't about glum indifference or spiritless passivity (even if the confusion is convenient). Acceptance is strength with wings. It's the power of compassion married to the humility of understanding. It lifts you above regret and rage to a place where hate is not an option, to a place where the difficult beauty of each moment is lived, learnt from- and loved.

Acceptance is a special kind of grace.

Manohar and Mahema Devadoss are a couple who live that grace day by day.

****

Editor's note: Mahema Devadoss passed away in 2008, but her legacy of compassion and grace lives on in the hearts of the many people she touched. Though his vision continues to deteriorate, Manohar Devadoss still draws and continues to inspire many with his art, his writing, and his warm zest for life. He turns 80-years-old today. You can send him a birthday note of appreciation here. 

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Manohar Devadoss is a self-taught artist and the author of several books, including "The Green Well Years" and "A Poem To Courage". 

Be The Change: Mahema Devadoss passed away in 2008, but her legacy of love lives on. Manohar Devadoss turns 80-years-old today and continues to hold the torch of their inspiration. Send him a birthday message of appreciation for the shining example of grace he and his wife offered the world.

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Some Soulful Quotes ...

Some Soulful Quotes ...

• Being a good person is like being a goal keeper. No matter how many goals we save, people will remember only the one that we missed.
• Though we cannot see electricity, we can feel its presence through the appliances it powers. Similarly though our character is physically not visible, others can realise it by our good thoughts and deeds.
• A good relation is like one of the wonders of the world. "Everyone sees how beautiful it is but... few see the sacrifices and efforts taken to build it." Its easy to give example, but its difficult to become an example.
• Communication is like lifeline of any relation. When you stop communicating, you start losing your valuable relations.
• फिर नहीं बसते वो दिल, जो एक बार उजड़ जाते हैं, कब्रें चाहे जितनी भी सजा लो पर कोई ज़िंदा नहीं होता..."वो गलतियां बहुत 'दर्द' देती है, जिनकी 'माफ़ी' मांगने का 'वक़्त' निकल चुका हो..
• जो अच्छा लगता है उसे गौर से मत देखो... ऐसा न हो कोई बुराई निकल आए... जो बुरा लगता है उसे गौर से देखो... मुमकिन है... कोई अच्छाई नजर आ जाए...     
• Eyes Express the Real feelings better than Touch. Touch Shows the Care better than Words. But Words, if used properly can Wet the Eyes and Touch the Heart.
• Distance never Separates any Relation and Closeness never Builds any Relation. If Feelings are True and Honest then Relations will always Remain.
• No and Yes are two short words.. But which needs a long thought...Most of the things we miss in life are because of saying... No, too early... and Yes too late...
• Smile indicates the Sweetness of Heart And Calmness indicates the Maturity of Mind. Having both in challenging situations indicate completeness of being human.
• I find it really Beautfiul when Someone Prays for you without you Knowing. I do not think there is any Form of Deeper and Purer Love!

Relationships Make You Conscious, Not Happy

Relationships Make You Conscious, Not Happy - Eckhart Tolle

With the acknowledgement and acceptance of the facts also comes a degree of freedom from them.

For example, when you know there is disharmony and you hold that "knowing," through your knowing a new factor has come in, and the disharmony cannot remain unchanged. When you know you are not at peace, your knowing creates a still space that surrounds your nonpeace in a loving and tender embrace and then transmutes your nonpeace into peace.

As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.

So whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the "madness" in you and in your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity for salvation.

Every moment, hold the knowing of that moment, particularly of your inner state. If there is anger, know that there is anger. If there is jealousy, defensiveness, the urge to argue, the need to be right, an inner child demanding love and attention, or emotional pain of any kind — whatever it is, know the reality of that moment and hold the knowing.

The relationship then becomes your sadhana, your spiritual practice.

If you observe unconscious behavior in your partner, hold it in the loving embrace of your knowing so that you won't react. Unconsciousness and knowing cannot coexist for long — even if the knowing is only in the other person and not in the one who is acting out the unconsciousness. The energy form that lies behind hostility and attack finds the presence of love absolutely intolerable. If you react at all to your partner's unconsciousness, you become unconscious yourself. But if you then remember to know your reaction, nothing is lost.

Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only chance of survival as a race. This will affect every aspect of your life and close relationships in particular. Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now. As you may have noticed, they are not here to make you happy or fulfilled.

If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world.

About the Author: Excerpted from The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  

Friendship And The 3 Little Words ... In Picture Quotes

Whom Should I Marry?

While the below article has been written for girls, it is equally applicable to boys also, as is referenced in the  examples within the article. Let us do our best to guide anyone who could be provided with the right direction in life. Thanks.

Whom should I marry? - Vinita Dawra Nangia

An alarming number of young girls are looking hard for that elusive perfect mate, even while surrounded by perfectly acceptable male friends.

I see so many young female colleagues and acquaintances eager to marry but unable to find the right match that it is worrisome. They move around in mixed groups, claim men as buddies and are willing to settle down and have babies. But when it comes to the crux, they reject one suitor after another, preferring the safety of numbers and the freedom of single hood.

I see this essentially as a problem of too many options. With the freedom of choice comes responsibility, and it is this responsibility that doesn’t sit well on the shoulders of the young. Decisions become so much tougher when you have choices. Two generations ago, a girl just grew up and was handed over in matrimony to a family and a man, in that order; she had no choice and had to adjust to her new home and people. From one home to another, not much changed for her; she played second fiddle to the men in both houses.

A generation later, the girl was educated, set on a defined career path, then introduced to a few boys selected carefully by her parents, and adeptly steered toward the smarter choice. More or less confined at home till that point with a strictly supervised upbringing, her exposure to men confined to father or brothers, she saw marriage as a ticket to freedom and self-determined choices.

But today, by the time the issue of marriage is raised, she has already been working for a number of years, is used to and appreciative of her independence, and counts several men as friends and colleagues. Financial stability and personal security are no longer her triggers for marriage. Nor is curiosity about the other sex, or romance and relationships. Armed with her independence, financial security and a good lifestyle, she becomes wary of losing it all to one bad decision. A deep-seated fear has her dithering for so long that it gets too late. No wonder the average age of marrying for men and women in the urban landscape is rising as they wait too long.

I asked a young girl of my acquaintance why girls in her group didn’t choose to marry one of the many male friends within the circle, when they all seemed to get along famously. Why were they busy looking for marital alliances elsewhere. She explained that it is difficult to switch to thinking romantically about a guy you have considered just a friend. Moreover, in some cases, the family backgrounds didn’t match or religious considerations came in the way. Sometimes career paths diverged. “We could, “she said, “but we are not that sure of each other in a marital sense. Sometimes, you wait for the guy to offer to make the switch, at other times the idea seems preposterous. So we just cruise along as we are, rather than risk losing a friend.“

Another girl who has a steady friendship with one boy (not a relationship, she specifies) says the only thing that holds them back from taking the next step is his fear and commitment phobia.

So many complications, fears and considerations. These young girls seem to be looking for everything and trying to please everyone, most of all their own selves. You cannot have it all. Caught between traditional requirements of status and background on one hand, and their own desire for romance and independence on the other, these girls seem to be having a tough time taking the final step. Often it is at this stage that parents, who have happily abdicated the marital decision to their children, receive an SOS and have to gear up to look for arranged matches ­yet again.

Young girls need to be told that once due diligence is done, one has to just follow one’s gut instinct and go for something with your eyes half shut. Yes, even for a marriage. In the end, all marriages pan out the same way, however they may have begun. Nothing but your own sense of commitment and determination keeps a marriage healthy.

And all parents need to do is armour children with a good education, sterling values and a confidence in their choices. And maybe just a little, final shove over the diving board as they dither.

No Longer Alone

By: Cherie Carter-Scott 

You have the ability to attract your beloved and enjoy the kind of relationship you desire, writes CHERIE CARTER-SCOTT

Love does not “just happen.” It needs to be created in much the same way you would create anything else. Love is also created from your imagination, intention, and deployment. Many mistakenly have thought that just wanting love is the same as seeking love. In order to create love in your life, you need to know what is required within yourself to start the process. There are steps to take to turn the action of partnering from a faraway wish into reality. Taking these steps transforms your search for love from a

game of chance into a conscious game of causality.

About Partnering

Before you proceed down the road of choosing to partner or not, it helps first to understand exactly what a true partnership is. A partnership is a union between two entities. Partnerships of any kind are formed when both people believe that greater benefit lies in uniting energies, talents, and resources than in remaining separate.

In the love arena, partnerships occur when two people come together to create a new reality. As both people move toward each other and connect in the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual realms, they begin to move from separate ‘I’ realities into a combined ‘we’ reality, in which both contribute to the greater ‘we.’ Neither ‘I’ is obliterated; both are simply augmented and enhanced by the chemical fusion with the other. Becoming a ‘we’ reality means that you form a team whose intent is to travel

through life together as a united force.

Ways To Balance

There are pros and cons to partnering. It can cause both positive and negative changes in your life and requires that you find ways to balance these polarities. The positive side is, of course, the hearts and flowers that you see in the movies and read about in romance novels. It is the wonderful rush of adrenaline that falling in love brings, the giddy feeling of being adored, the butterflies that flutter in your stomach when you hear your beloved’s voice, and the warm rush of security you feel when he or she smiles at you from across a crowded room.

Care And Share

For most people, the main advantage is that you will no longer be alone, since you will have someone with whom you can spend your time and share the journey of life. Having a partner comes with some wonderful benefits: you have someone to love you, to give you attention, to take care of you, to act as your companion, to fulfil your sexual needs and desires, to do things with you, and to generally make life more fun. Partnering can provide support when you need it, encouragement when you are fearful, and

empowerment when you have lost your belief in yourself. At its most elevated, a partnership can be a sacred bond in which you can share your innermost secrets, admit your weaknesses, grow in new and astonishing ways, and weave together your hopes and dreams.

Deal With Differences

The downside of partnering is the mirror opposite of its main benefit: You will no longer be alone. If you are no longer alone, that means you are also no longer on your own. You are no longer a standalone entity. You will need to deal with differences between you and your partner — in style, pace, modes of communicating, habits, and preferences. You have to deal with everyday life issues that accompany another person. Your partner, after all, has ideas, feelings, aspirations, habits, quirks, and issues that need to be given the same respect as you give your own.

In other words, you need to make room in your life for another human being. When making choices and decisions, you will have to consider another person; you cannot just do whatever you want whenever you want without considering the other person’s wishes. You will need to confer on everything from how much room you take up in the bed to how to spend your money. You must be willing to make adjustments so that both you and your partner can be happy.

Make Adjustments

Partnership also demands that you be willing, at times, to change your plans to accommodate the other person’s emergencies, needs, or wishes. In partnerships, you must give up some control, along with the need to always have your own way. While you were on your own, you were accustomed to doing whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. The appearance of a mate in your life suddenly changes all that. Having a partner adds a certain degree of complication and adjustment to your life for which you

might not have bargained.

In order to create a partnership that succeeds, you will need to find ways to incorporate both the positive and the negative aspects. You will have to take the challenges with the harmony, the tests with the triumphs, and the issues with the inspiration. Partnership is essentially a package deal that cannot be chosen halfheartedly; it will require all your resources, willingness, and faculties to balance and you will need the strength of your conviction to support you through the journey.

If Love Is A Game, These Are The Rules, Broadway Books

Got Married, Get Spiritual

By: Radhanath Swami

There is more to marriage than romance. I remember as an eight year old seeing my parents consider divorce. I cried and later, both of them discussed about us - their children's future- and vowed to remain together for our sake. Romance in a marriage comes and goes. It's the heart to heart connection to a higher sense of responsibility that keeps the spark in a relationship burning. Then even the difficulties provide rich lessons to serve together.

The higher spiritual principle of marriage is seen in the vows the couple takes. Traditionally marriages were held in a temple or a place of worship so that the Lord sees us take the vow and helps the couple centre their lives on service to God and humanity.

Mother nature teaches us that the best of all jewels, the diamond and gold, are purified when put under high pressure or put in fire. Similarly by faithfully passing through the good and the bad times; the easy and hard times and being with each other, that's what marriage is meant to be and internalizing this principle transforms marriage into a sacred act and makes one spiritually perfect.

Each of the partners in marriage considers the other to be a child of God, entrusted in his or her care. How you treat your partner is how God will receive you; how you speak, treat and protect each other on the physical, emotional and spiritual level is how you will make spiritual progress. The foundational structure of a spiritual marriage is 'respect', 'forgiveness', 'appreciation' for each other, and the serious responsibility to make the other person happy.

It’s practice of these principles that make married life a divine, spiritual

experience.

Keys to a Successful Spiritual Marriage in the Modern World

By: Swami Kriyananda 

“They married, and lived happily ever after.” How often have couples faced marriage with this romantic expectation. And how often, judging from modem statistics on divorce, have their dreams been disappointed. Yet marriage can be happy – if it is based on realistic expectations. It can be happy if, above all, it is founded in a mutual desire for emotional, mental, and spiritual growth.

Marriage without some basis in spiritual principles is like a rudderless ship: bound to flounder eventually on rocks of disillusionment and pain. But if spiritual principles are followed conscientiously, they will prove a pathway to as rewarding a relationship as any loving couple can be blessed to have together.

There is a story of a famous sculptor in India who was asked by an admirer how he had managed to capture the shape of an elephant so perfectly in stone. “Easy,” replied the artist. “1 simply cut away everything that didn’t look like an elephant.”

(Photo: Wedding of Rita and Steven Manus, disciples of Paramhansa Yogananda, in the temple of Ananda Sangha, Palo Alto, California. Click photo to enlarge.)

Marriage ought to be approached in a similar spirit. For if ever wedded bliss is to become not a hope merely, but a promise, one must exclude with rigid self-honesty every false expectation that one may be tempted to hold.

Society, unfortunately, conditions prospective couples to many such false expectations.

Moreover, unseasoned physical and emotional needs often impel couples to make tragic mistakes.

I’m reminded of a couple who once told me they didn’t want to go through the formality of a wedding because they had known too many couples to break up, once they’d solemnized their union with formal vows. Why, I asked them, such a breakdown after the sacrament? They replied that their friends, once married, had developed different expectations of one another – the thought, for instance, on the part of each that the other now owed him something. It wasn’t the institution of marriage, you see, that was at fault. It was their false notion of what marriage ought to mean.

In this case, the right understanding would be that marriage, to be successful, involves an attitude of sharing, of giving, not of making selfish demands on one another.

Was it George Bernard Shaw who said, of youth’s expectation that the fervor of romantic love will endure for a lifetime, “I can’t imagine anyone wanting such a debilitating emotion to last forever!”

It is unrealistic even to expect love, as a conscious emotion, to continue unchecked, unthreatened, and unchanged through all the years of married life. It is difficult enough on the spiritual path even to love God – the very Source of all love – constantly and uninterruptedly. Spiritual literature refers again and again to “dry periods,’ when the devotee, though longing to feel devotion, can feel none. If this is true of the soul’s relationship with God, how much more true must it be of the fluctuations of feeling that men and women experience in their relationship with one another.

The real basis of successful marriage isn’t sex appeal, but the simple, human considerations that make for happy unions of all kinds –  yes, even business partnerships.

For those, especially, who seek spiritual enlightenment, marriage should be seen in a basically spiritual context. Its deeper purpose is not to propagate the species, but to help each partner to achieve an inner balance.

This balance might be described as a union between one’s feeling and reasoning nature – that he may unite, ultimately with the totality of Love and Wisdom that is God.

For man is much more than a biological animal. We have souls – indeed, each of us is a soul. We therefore were born with high aspirations – with a need, for instance, for wisdom and joy – and no human activity can fully satisfy us that doesn’t take our soul hungers into consideration.

Consider a couple that can’t have children. Is their marriage invalid because it is biologically fruitless? Certainly not. In marriage, there are soul-purposes that have nothing to do with biology. What are those soul purposes? Well, one, surely, is to help us break the narrow confines of selfishness and ego. Other ways may accomplish this end also, but marriage is certainly one of the best. By learning to live for a larger reality than one’s own, one begins to break the hard shell of egoism that keeps the soul from achieving union with the highest reality of all, God.

Another soul-purpose is self- knowledge. Marriage offers an objective proving ground for one’s inner, spiritual development. For it is relatively easy to be gracious, friendly, and forgiving to chance acquaintances, but only in the close quarters of constant, daily association are one’s spiritual qualities really tested.

Paramhansa Yogananda related the story of a conversation he had had with a woman novelist. She prided herself on her capacity for impartial logic. Well, of course, to be a woman doesn’t incapacitate one rationally! But this woman was saying, “I go only by reason.”

Yogananda didn’t respond directly, but he steered the conversation around to the subject of a certain other woman novelist. Suddenly his companion began to lambast her rival.

“So, you go entirely by reason, do you?” inquired the master, smiling. She had little choice but to laugh with him, admitting that she had given herself away.

In man, Yogananda said, reason is uppermost, and feeling is kept hidden, while in woman the reverse is true: feeling is uppermost, and reason kept hidden. These differences don’t mean that men haven’t as great a capacity for love, nor women as great a capacity for reason. A man may, indeed, be capable of greater love than most women; and a woman may be able to reason more clearly than most men. But each in his own nature will depend more on reason if he is a man, and more on feeling if a woman. It is only in the saints that we find a perfect balance. Yogananda was as much a mother as a father to his disciples. A great Spanish saint, St. Teresa of Avila, was described once by a city official as “No nun, but a bearded man!”

As we perfect our inner natures, we achieve a balance between reason and feeling, and between wisdom and love. Men become kinder, more compassionate. Women become more reasonable, less emotional. We all long, at least subconsciously, to achieve this balance; that is why we find ourselves instinctively drawn to the opposite sex.

Our attraction is far more than physical. It is born of the desire to achieve perfect balance within ourselves. The more we achieve this inner balance, the less need we have to affirm it outwardly, in human marriage. The longing then develops in our hearts to attain inner, soul marriage with God.

Married couples who have reached a point of sufficient maturity in their relationship, and in themselves, to seek not only worldly fulfillment, but above all spiritual enlightenment, must learn to evaluate their marriage from a spiritual viewpoint. They cannot depend on outmoded social definitions of marriage. Like the sculptor of the elephant, they must cut away from their ideas of marriage anything that is not compatible with their higher, spiritual aspirations.

Above all, they should cease looking upon marriage as an end in itself. Growth is a direction, not an already established fact. They should realize that the divine purpose of marriage is constant development, as devotees and as human beings, toward a goal of union that is essentially the same for everyone: union with God.

(If you would like to learn more about the teachings of Paramhansa Yogananda and Swami Kriyananda, we invite you to visit the website of Ananda India: www.anandaindia.org. There, you can also watch videos of Swamiji’s recent talks in India, and the complete schedule of his public appearances.)

Soul mates: Are You Spiritually Connected To Your Partner?

Soul mates: Are you Spiritually Connected to your Partner? By Pallavi Thakur

Are you in a Spiritual Relationship?

Almost all of us have a “perfect match” check-list. In theory, the more of each other’s boxes you can tick off, the more well suited you are for each other. But what works in theory doesn’t always work when put into practice. It goes deeper than your surface needs or earthly desires. A spiritual connection is when you’re souls are attracted to each other and are in sync. Two people who have a spiritual connection are not just properly aligned - they bond.

So what exactly is a spiritual partner?

He or she is an ally for personal growth. You both decide that you want to work together to become your best selves as quickly as possible. You commit to helping and loving each other - and, here's the key - everyone around you. Because, it is only when you are living love and kindness that your relationship will truly flourish. Try it and see…when put into practice, you can make all your dreams come true.

Creating Wholeness

Maybe that’s why love is often called chemistry when you combine certain elements, they combine together to create a new unified whole. If and when you do spiritually connect with someone with whom you are also very compatible, the relationship is taken to a whole new level. It’s that spiritual connection that can really drive the passion. When you connect mind, body and soul, you have all the ingredients for success.

Signs of Spiritual Connection

Spiritual connections are usually perceived on a much deeper level. Once spiritually connected, you can get really comfortable with each other. You probably notice you have different sides to your personality - you have the side you show your close family/friends and the side you put on in public at large. When a spiritual connection is sparked, you are able to drop that public persona and let the other person get to know the real you.

When you spiritually connect with someone, it usually goes beyond sharing interests, hobbies, religion, political ideologies, education or things like that. When you connect spiritually, you realize you share deeper things - values, principles, a way of looking at the world or a particular point of view.

10 Steps to a Spiritual Relationship

If we use our relationships to make us wiser, kinder and more compassionate, we can actually change how they function. We can have the relationships and lives we've always dreamed of. Let's take a look at the steps to building a spiritual relationship with a soul mate, whether you are married, taken or single…

Step 1: Commit to something higher!

The element that elevates a partnership is the idea that your role is to support each other on your path to reach ultimate evolution, to become your best self. Get clear that what you are looking for is not just physical security or emotional support but spiritual evolution. Whatever goals you set for your relationship will dictate how it functions day to day. If your goal is financial security, don't expect satisfaction. If your goal is evolution of your body, mind and spirit, expect fulfilment beyond your dreams.

Step 2: Be what you want your partner to be

Make a list of the qualities you most want in a partner. Instead of looking for amazing features in someone else, develop them in yourself. For example, If you want a partner with financial stability, get stable yourself! You want someone fun? Be fun! The beauty of perception is that you will see all your own qualities, both good and bad, reflected back to you in your partner. Be complete in yourself, and you will see completion in your partner.

Step 3: Cleanse past relationships

Think of your exes. What comes to mind? If it's anything other than love, you have some work to do. The images and feelings that arise in your memory color how you experience your current relationships. Learn to forgive. No matter how bad your past relationship was, it taught you exactly what you needed to learn.

Step 4: Recognise change and use it to grow

Part of healing past relationships is embracing change. In Buddhist philosophy, this understanding is the foundation of wisdom. There's no start without a finish, no beginning without an end, no life without death. Your relationship will transform as you each evolve. As spiritual partners, your job is to love and support each other through this process. Use change for growth - don't fight it.

Step 5: Cultivate a daily meditation practice

If you want to see a wise, loving, spiritual partner, you must be that yourself. Create a daily practice that includes meditation, prayer or deep contemplation. There are a multitude of studies that prove the mental and physical health benefits of meditation. Learning to get still and meditate well is just like anything else: it takes training. Find and practice a method that speaks to you and connects you to something higher. The time and attention you give your meditation practice determines the results you will get.

Step 6: Get physical, every day

You may find this hard to believe but touch, intimacy and connection are essential ingredients of spiritual partnerships. A satisfying intimate relationship starts with having a body that you feel good in. Yogic teachings explore the subtle energetic connections we have with each other. In order to access these deeper dimensions, your physical form must be healthy. Commit to a healthy diet that works with your needs. Commit to a regimen that enlivens you. Do something fun! Turn yourself on, and watch what happens in your intimate partnership.

Step 7: Face your demons

We all have shadows that we don't want to see. Being in a spiritual partnership requires that we grow up into the person we were meant to be. An essential step is bringing what we most deny in ourselves into the open. Partnerships are challenging. Your relationship is going to bring all your darkness to the surface. This is usually when the relationship ends, or when the trouble starts. Help each other work through the psychological issues that arise. Otherwise your own shadows will inevitably undo your relationship.

Step 8: Make your partner feel special

How you treat your relationship will create the results you experience. Is this the most special person on the planet to you? If so, how should you treat them? If you relate to them as a sacred being, they will be. If you treat them as ordinary, they will be. Remember the blissful feelings when you first met and recreate those times. Dress up, go out to the best restaurant, or make his/her favorite meal at home. Take time to make everything special.

Step 9: Align your visions

A spiritual partnership is all about supporting each other's deepest desires. In order to stay together, your two visions must align. Ask each other: What do you most wish for? Explore questions with courage and honesty. Your visions do not need to agree, but they need to align. Find the common aspects of both of your visions for the future. Maybe one of you wants to live abroad, while the other wants to live near family. Instead of getting caught in dualism, look for "mid ways."

Step 10: Go for your dreams

We are all meant to be the heroes of our own lives. No one can do it for you, even your spiritual partner. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to become the being you dream of, the being you were born to be.

It's OK to get stuck!

Sometimes we become spiritually stuck and cannot evolve in a relationship. These are not spiritual relationships. These types of relationships hold us there not allowing for growth or other experiences. It is true that being a victim, martyr, persecutor, rescuer or love addict may have a karmic lesson but in this case the spiritual lesson is learning how to let go.

Togetherness: A Spiritual Celebration!

In conclusion a true spiritual relationship is one where both parties feel wholeness and complete together. It is the harmonization of male and female energy, which creates freedom within the relationship to accept each other unconditionally without hidden agendas. In a true spiritual relationship one knows how to give or take without being asked and to meet the other party’s needs without question.

A small exercise to make life better

Take 10 quiet minutes alone, and do the following contemplation: Imagine the end of your life. You are happy, healthy 100 years old. You have accomplished everything and have no regrets, nothing left undone. The 3 people you are closest to get up to speak of everything you have done and what they admire about you. Spend some time writing down what they said. Now work towards the things that you want them to say. It’s a simple way of stepping into that dream.

Spirituality and Love

A spiritual partnership is a beautiful, powerful method to help you achieve a perfect relationship and anything else your heart desires. Because in the end, it all comes down to love.