Too many people overvalue what they are not and
undervalue what they are. --Malcolm S. Forbes
Stop Worrying About How Much You Matter
--by Peter
Bregman, syndicated from peterbregman.com,
Jul 21, 2015
For
many years — almost as long as he could remember — Ian* owned and ran a
successful pub in his small town in Ireland. Ian was well-known around town. He
had lots of friends, many of whom he saw when they came to eat and drink, and he
was happy.
Eventually,
Ian decided to sell his establishment. Between his savings and the sale, he made
enough money to continue to live comfortably. He was ready to relax and enjoy
all his hard work.
Except
that almost immediately, he became depressed. That was 15 years ago and not much
has changed.
I’ve
seen a version of Ian’s story many times. The CEO of an investment bank. A
famous French singer. The founder and president of a grocery store chain. A
high-level government official. And these are not just stories — they’re people
I know (or knew) well.
They
have several things in common: They were busy and highly successful. They had
enough money to live more than comfortably for as long as they lived. And they
all became seriously depressed as they got older.
What’s
going on?
The
typical answer is that people need purpose in life and when we stop working we
lose purpose. But many of the people I see in this situation continue to work.
The French singer continued to sing. The investment banker ran a fund.
Perhaps
getting older is simply depressing. But we all know people who continue to be
happy well into their nineties. And some of the people who fall into this
predicament are not particularly old.
I
think the problem is much simpler, and the solution is more reasonable than
working, or staying young, forever.
People
who achieve financial and positional success are masters at doing things that
make and keep them relevant. Their decisions affect many others. Their advice
lands on eager ears.
In
many cases, if not most, they derive their self-concept and a strong dose of
self-worth from the fact that what they do and what they say—in many cases even
what they think and feel—matters to others.
Think
about Ian. If he changed his menu or his hours of operation, or hired someone
new, it directly affected the lives of the people in his town. Even his
friendships were built, in large part, on who he was as a pub owner. What he did
made him relevant in the community.
Relevancy,
as long as we maintain it, is rewarding on almost every level. But when we lose
it? Withdrawal can be painful.
As
we get older, we need to master the exact opposite of what we’ve spent a
lifetime pursuing. We need to master irrelevancy.
This
is not only a retirement issue. Many of us are unhealthily—and ultimately
unhappily—tied to mattering. It’s leaving us overwhelmed and over-busy,
responding to every request, ring and ping with the urgency of a fireman
responding to a six-alarm fire. Are we really that necessary?
How
we adjust — both within our careers and after them — to not being that important
may matter more than mattering.
If
we lose our jobs, adjusting to irrelevancy without falling into depression is a
critical survival skill until we land another job. If managers and leaders want
to grow their teams and businesses, they need to allow themselves to matter less
so others can matter more and become leaders themselves. At a certain point in
our lives, and at certain times, we matter less. The question is: Can you be OK
with that?
How
does it feel to just sit with others? Can you listen to someone’s problem
without trying to solve it? Can you happily connect with others when there is no
particular purpose to that connection?
Many
of us (though not all) can happily spend a few days by ourselves, knowing that
what we’re doing doesn’t matter to the world. But a year? A decade?
Still,
there is a silver lining to this kind of irrelevancy: freedom.
When
your purpose shifts like this, you can do what you want. You can take risks. You
can be courageous. You can share ideas that may be unpopular. You can live in a
way that feels true and authentic. In other words, when you stop worrying about
the impact of what you do, you can be a fuller version of who you are.
That
silver lining may be our anti-depressant. Enjoying the freedom that comes with
being irrelevant can help us avoid depression and enjoy life after retirement,
even for people who have spent their careers being defined by their jobs.
So
what does being comfortable with the feeling of irrelevancy — even the kind of
deep irrelevancy involved in ending a career — really look like? It may be as
simple as doing things simply for the experience of doing them. Taking pleasure
in the activity versus the outcome, your existence versus your impact.
Here
are some small ways you might start practicing irrelevancy right away:
* Check your email only at your desk and only a few times a day. Resist the
temptation to check your email first thing in the morning or at every brief
pause.
* When you meet new people, avoid telling them what you do. During the
conversation, notice how frequently you are driven to make yourself sound
relevant (sharing what you did the other day, where you’re going, how busy you
are). Notice the difference between speaking to connect and speaking to make
yourself look and feel important.
* When someone shares a problem, listen without offering a solution (if you do
this with employees, an added advantage is that they’ll become more competent
and self-sufficient).
* Try sitting on a park bench without doing anything, even for just a minute
(then try it for five or 10 minutes).
* Talk to a stranger (I did this with my cab driver this morning) with no goal
or purpose in mind. Enjoy the interaction — and the person — for the pleasure of
it.
* Create something beautiful and enjoy it without showing it to anyone. Take
note of beauty that you have done nothing to create.
Notice
what happens when you pay attention to the present without needing to fix or
prove anything. Notice how, even when you’re irrelevant to the decisions,
actions, and outcomes of the world around you, you can feel the pleasure of
simple moments and purposeless interactions.
Notice
how, even when you feel irrelevant, you can matter to yourself.
This
article originally appeared in peterbregman.com, and is reprinted with
permission. Peter Bregman is the CEO of Bregman Partners, Inc., a company that
strengthens leadership in people and in organizations.
Be The Change: Take time to talk with a
stranger, enjoy a rest along a well-wooded path. Notice what happens when you
don't feel the need to prove or to fix anything.
