Forgiveness is the
fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. --Mark Twain
Eight Steps Towards Forgiveness
When
another person hurts us, it can upend our lives.
This essay has been adapted from 8 Keys to Forgiveness (W. W. Norton & Company, 2015)
Sometimes the hurt is very deep, such as when a spouse or a parent betrays our trust,
or when we are victims of crime, or when we’ve been harshly bullied.
Anyone who has suffered a grievous hurt knows that when our inner world is
badly disrupted, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than our
turmoil or pain. When we hold on to hurt, we are emotionally and cognitively
hobbled, and our relationships suffer.
Forgiveness is strong medicine for this. When life
hits us hard, there isnothing as effective as forgiveness for healing deep
wounds. I would not have spent the last 30 years of my life studying
forgiveness if I were not convinced of this.
Many people have misconceptions about
what forgiveness really means—and they may eschew it. Others may want to
forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can. Forgiveness does not
necessarily come easily; but it is possible for many of us to achieve, if we
have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.
Below is an outline of the basic steps involved in following a
path of forgiveness, adapted from my new book,8 Keys to
Forgiveness. As you read through these steps, think
about how you might adapt them to your own life.
1. Know what
forgiveness is and why it matters
Forgiveness is about goodness, about
extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t “deserve” it. It
is not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behavior or pretending
it didn’t happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can follow. Forgiveness is a
process with many steps that often proceeds in a non-linear fashion.
But it’s well worth the effort. Working on forgiveness can help us
increase our self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety. It
can reverse the lies that we often tell ourselves when someone has hurt us
deeply—lies like, I am defeated or I’m not worthy.
Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and
purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be its primary beneficiary.
Studies have shown that forgiving
others produces strong psychological benefits for the one who forgives. It has
been shown to decrease depression, anxiety, unhealthy anger, and the symptoms
of PTSD. But we don’t just forgive to help ourselves. Forgiveness can lead to
psychological healing, yes; but, in its essence, it is not something about you
or done for you. It is something you extend toward another person, because you
recognize, over time, that it is the best response to the situation.
2. Become
“forgivingly fit”
More on Forgiveness
Read and watch Fred Luskin explain "What is
Forgiveness?"
Read three evolutionary truths about forgiveness and revenge.
Discover how to overcome barriers to
forgiveness.
How forgiving are you? Take our quiz!
Try this forgiveness practice,
based on Enright's work.
To practice forgiveness, it helps if
you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning to be what
I call “forgivingly fit.” Just as you would start slowly with a new physical
exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving heart muscles slowly,
incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life.
You can start becoming more fit by
making a commitment to do no harm—in other words, making a conscious effort not
to talk disparagingly about those who’ve hurt you. You don’t have to say good
things; but, if you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more
forgiving side of your mind and heart.
You can also make a practice of
recognizing that every person is unique, special, and irreplaceable. You may
come to this through religious beliefs or a humanist philosophy or even through
your belief in evolution. It’s important to cultivate this mindset of valuing
our common humanity, so that it becomes harder to discount someone who has
harmed you as unworthy.
You can show love in small ways in
everyday encounters—like smiling at a harried grocery cashier or taking time to
listen to a child. Giving love when it’s unnecessary helps to build the love
muscle, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone. If you practice
small acts of forgiveness and mercy—extending care when someone harms you—in
everyday life, this too will help. Perhaps you can refrain from honking when
someone cuts you off in traffic, or hold your tongue when your spouse snaps at
you and extend a hug instead.
Sometimes pride and power can weaken
your efforts to forgive by making you feel entitled and inflated, so that you
hang onto your resentment as a noble cause. Try to catch yourself when you are
acting from that place, and choose forgiveness or mercy, instead. If you need
inspiration, it can help to seek out stories of mercy in the world by going to
the International Forgiveness Institute website:
www.internationalforgiveness.com.
3. Address your inner
pain
It’s important to figure out who has
hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you
suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your child or your
spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for
you.
To become clearer, you can look
carefully at the people in your life—your parents, siblings, peers, spouse,
coworkers, children, and even yourself—and rate how much they have hurt you.
Perhaps they have exercised power over you or withheld love; or maybe they have
physically harmed you. These hurts have contributed to your inner pain and need
to be acknowledged. Doing this will give you an idea of who needs forgiveness
in your life and provide a place to start.
There are many forms of emotional pain;
but the common forms are anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, lack of trust,
self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview, and a lack of
confidence in one’s ability to change. All of these harms can be addressed by
forgiveness; so it’s important to identify the kind of pain you are suffering
from and to acknowledge it. The more hurt you have incurred, the more important
it is to forgive, at least for the purpose of experiencing emotional healing.
You may be able to do this accounting
on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However you approach
looking at your pain be sure you do it in an environment that feels safe and
supportive.
4. Develop a
forgiving mind through empathy
Scientists have studied what happens in
the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people
successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation), they show
increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. This tells
us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the
process.
If you examine some of the details in
the life of the person who harmed you, you can often see more clearly what
wounds he carries and start to develop empathy for him. First, try to imagine
him as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did he get that from the
parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive attention and
love from primary caregivers, then he will have a weak attachment, which can
damage trust. It may prevent him from ever getting close to others and set a
trajectory of loneliness and conflict for the rest of his life.
You may be able to put an entire
narrative together for the person who hurt you—from early child through
adulthood—or just imagine it from what you know. You may be able to see her
physical frailties and psychological suffering, and begin to understand the
common humanity that you share. You may recognize her as a vulnerable person
who was wounded and wounded you in return. Despite what she may have done to
hurt you, you realize that she did not deserve to suffer, either.
Recognizing that we all carry wounds in
our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.
5. Find meaning in
your suffering
When we suffer a great deal, it is
important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning,
a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a
despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself. That doesn’t
mean we look for suffering in order to grow or try to find goodness in
another’s bad actions. Instead, we try to see how our suffering has changed us
in a positive way.
Even as one suffers, it’s possible to
develop short-term and sometimes long-range goals in life. Some people begin to
think about how they can use their suffering to cope, because they’ve become
more resilient or brave. They may also realize that their suffering has altered
their perspective regarding what is important in life, changing their
long-range goals for themselves.
To find meaning is not to diminish your
pain or to say, I’ll just make the best of it or All things happen for a
reason. You must always take care to address the woundedness in yourself and to
recognize the injustice of the experience, or forgiveness will be shallow.
Still, there are many ways to find
meaning in our suffering. Some may choose to focus more on the beauty of the
world or decide to give service to others in need. Some may find meaning by
speaking their truth or by strengthening their inner resolve. If I were to give
one answer, it would be that we should use our suffering to become more loving
and to pass that love onto others. Finding meaning, in and of itself, is
helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.
6. When forgiveness
is hard, call upon other strengths
Forgiveness is always hard when we are
dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who refuse to use
the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. That’s OK—we all have
our own timelines for when we can be merciful. But if you want to forgive and
are finding it hard, it might help to call upon other resources.
First remember that if you are
struggling with forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure at forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination. Try not
to be harsh on yourself, but be gentle and foster a sense of quiet within, an
inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to yourself as you would to
someone whom you love deeply.
Surround yourself with good and wise
people who support you and who have the patience to allow you time to heal in
your own way. Also, practice humility—not in the sense of putting yourself
down, but in realizing that we are all capable of imperfection and suffering.
Try to develop courage and patience in
yourself to help you in the journey. Also, if you practice bearing small
slights against you without lashing out, you give a gift to everyone—not only
to the other person, but to everyone whom that person may harm in the future
because of your anger. You can help end the cycle of inflicting pain on others.
If you are still finding it hard to
forgive, you can choose to practice with someone who is easier to forgive—maybe
someone who hurt you in a small way, rather than deeply. Alternatively, it can
be better to focus on forgiving the person who is at the root of your
pain—maybe a parent who was abusive, or a spouse who betrayed you. If this
initial hurt impacts other parts of your life and other relationships, it may
be necessary to start there.
7. Forgive yourself
Most of us tend to be harder on
ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are
not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on
self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt
you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.
In self-forgiveness, you honor yourself
as a person, even if you are imperfect. If you’ve broken your personal
standards in a serious way, there is a danger of sliding into self-loathing. When
this happens, you may not take good care of yourself—you might overeat or
oversleep or start smoking or engage in other forms of “self-punishment.” You
need to recognize this and move toward self-compassion. Soften your heart
toward yourself.
After you have been able to
self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from others
whom you’ve harmed and right the wrongs as best as you can. It’s important to
be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not be ready to
forgive you and to practice patience and humility. But, a sincere apology, free
of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your receiving
forgiveness in the end.
8. Develop a
forgiving heart
When we overcome suffering, we gain a
more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving
in the world. We may be moved to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in our
homes and workplaces, to help others who’ve been harmed overcome their
suffering, or to protect our communities from a cycle of hatred and violence.
All of these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy to one’s life.
Some people may believe that love for
another who’s harmed you is not possible. But, I’ve found that many people who
forgive eventually find a way to open their hearts. If you shed bitterness and
put love in its place, and then repeat this with many, many other people, you
become freed to love more widely and deeply. This kind of transformation can
create a legacy of love that will live on long after you’re gone.
This article is printed here with permission. It originally
appeared on Greater Good,
the online magazine of the Greater Good
Science Center (GGSC). Based at UC Berkeley, the GGSC studies
the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being, and teaches skills
that foster a thriving, resilient, and compassionate society.
Be The Change:
Experiment with one or more of the steps in Enright's article this week.
Sourced From www.dailygood.org
