Everything
can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to
choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own
way. --Viktor E. Frankl
Our
Everloving Quest to Control Our
Lives
--by Leo
Babuta, syndicated from zenhabits.net,
Mar 10, 2016
Almost our
entire lives are spent in a quest to gain control, security and comfort in our
lives. Unfortunately, we never really get it, so we keep trying,
relentlessly.
This is
the main activity of our lives.
What would
happen if we stopped?
We could
be less restricted by fear, less anxious, less driven by the need for comfort …
and more in love with life as it is.
You might
be surprised by how much we strive for control.
The Ways We
Try to Get Control
The basic
nature of life is that it is everchanging,
uncontrollable. When we think we have stability in life, something comes up to
remind us that no, we don’t. There is no stability, no matter how much we’d like
it.
And this
kinda freaks us out. We don’t like this feeling of
instability, of loss of control. So we do things to cope, out of love for
ourselves. These are strategies for control, security and
comfort.
Some
examples among many:
We go on
Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Pinterest, because doing so is comfortable
and feels like we know what we’re doing (a feeling of certainty, of things under
control).
We make a
to-do list or even try out an entire productivity or organizational system,
because it feels like we’re getting things under control.
We clean,
or declutter, or organize our desks.
We tackle
email, because it’s out of control, and getting it under control sounds much
less anxiety-inducing.
We
procrastinate on a project that fills us with uncertainty, and procrastinate
with our favorite distractions, which have less
uncertainty for us.
We get
frustrated with other people, even angry, because they’re acting in a way we
don’t like (we don’t control that part of our lives, and it’s difficult for us)
… so creating a story in our minds about how horrible they are and how right we
are and how life would be better if they just did X, helps us to feel under
control.
We try to
organize the apps on our phone, to avoid dealing with our feelings of
difficulty.
We plan,
plan, plan. On paper, in our minds. Everything feels under control when we
plan.
We
research, google things, so we feel we’re gaining control over a
topic.
We buy
books to gain control over a topic.
We sign up
for classes.
We make
resolutions and goals and bucket lists.
We create
systems.
We try to
gain control over our health by creating a diet and workout
plan.
Shopping
feels comfortable.
Eating for
comfort.
Drugs make
us feel like we’re controlling our state of mind, including
alcohol.
There are
thousands more examples. Examine everything you do with this lens: is this
activity a strategy to somehow gain control?
Now, I’m
not saying these strategies are bad. They help us cope with difficult feelings.
Some of them result in a healthy life. They all come from a place of
love.
But it is
good to be aware of this need for control, and perhaps this awareness can even
help us free ourselves.
Why These
Attempts at Control Keep Failing
So we do
everything above, all day long, when things are feeling uncertain,
uncomfortable, out of control, unsafe. They are strategies for control,
security, comfort.
Unfortunately,
it doesn’t work.
Let’s say
you make a to-do list and a plan to make yourself feel under control. Now you
have to do the first thing on the list. But this makes you feel uncertain,
because it’s a difficult task and you don’t know if you can do it. So you go to
the easier things on the list … but the difficult task is still there, just put
off for a bit, and you feel bad about it.
Eventually
you run to distractions, or check your email, so you don’t have to do the task.
Or you start cleaning up around your desk. You make some calls. The feeling is
still there, though, in the back of your mind. None of the strategies
work.
Or take
another scenario: you’re feeling lonely. You don’t want to face this feeling,
because it’s uncomfortable and you don’t feel under control. So you eat. Or you
shop online. Or you watch TV, porn, Youtube. The
feeling doesn’t go away. So you do it again. Or you turn to alcohol or
drugs.
Maybe you
get everything under control — you’re organized, have systems for everything,
are spot-on with your productivity, have only healthy habits. Congratulations!
You win! Except, things keep coming up that are ruining your perfect palace of
control. You get anxiety until you deal with these things, and get control back.
But when you were doing that, more things came up. People are calling, emailing,
interrupting you, and you get irritated often because everything is getting
messy. Your OCD is not resulting in a feeling of comfort and control, but just
the opposite.
Finally,
consider that you might feel things are stable, but then someone dies, you get
injured or sick, a family crisis happens, you company goes into crisis mode,
there’s a crisis in your country. Things are never under control, so you feel
anguish because you thought you had stability.
Luckily,
we have another way.
The Mindful
Way
If life is
uncontrollable, and because we don’t like the feeling of being out of control,
we do all kinds of things to seek control … but it doesn’t work … what
alternative is there?
We can
practice mindfulness, and learn to accept the uncontrollable nature of each
moment.
Start by
just sitting still, and try to pay attention to the sensations of this moment,
around you and in your body and even in your mind. Just notice what’s going
on.
Then
notice that your mind wants to run, to planning or worrying or getting a grasp
on things. We run from this unknown, uncontrollable moment to a strategy of
control.
Notice
this urge to run, to control … and don’t act. Do nothing. Just observe, taking
no action.
Notice how
this feeling of being out of control feels. Where is this feeling located in
your body? What is the sensation of it in your body? Is it one thing, or
changing? Investigate with curiosity.
Be still
with this sensation in your body. Practice with this a little at a time, for
days, for weeks. You’ll start to get to know it
intimately.
And then
it won’t be so bad. You’ll learn to sit with this feeling of out-of-controlledness, and be OK with it. You’ll learn to trust in
this moment, not to lead to an outcome you want (control!), but to turn out just
fine.
You’ll
need to do fewer things to get under control, to get comfort. You’ll still do
some of them, because no one ever truly masters this (control!), but you’ll need
it less.
And then
what? What’s left when we don’t try to control? Love. We still act, but not out
of a need for control. We act out of love for others and
ourselves.
This is
the other way.
This
article originally appeared in Zen
Habits and
is reprinted here with permission. Zen Habits is about finding simplicity in the
daily chaos of our lives. It’s about clearing the clutter so we can focus on
what’s important, create something amazing, find
happiness.
Be
The Change: Rethink your own efforts to 'control' your life. For more
inspiration read this excerpt from "The Surrender
Experiment".
Sourced
From www.dailygood.org
