Power comes not from the barrel of a gun, but
from one's awareness of his or her own cultural strength and the unlimited
capacity to empathize with, feel for, care, and love one's brothers and sisters.
--Addison Gayle
Ten Counterproductive Behaviors of Well-Intentioned People
--by Cody Charles, syndicated from Yes Magazine, Mar 18, 2016
This
article originally appeared on The Body
Is Not An Apology and is reprinted
by permission. More of Cody Charles’ writing can be found here.
This
is a follow-up to my previous piece entitled Ten
Counterproductive Behaviors of Social Justice Educators. The latter was
written for folks who consider equity work as their core life purpose. I
wrote Ten
Counterproductive Behaviors of Well-Intentioned People for the folks who consider themselves good
people invested in social justice and conversations around equity, but who may
show up in the ally role most often. Well-intentioned people make mistakes, lots
of them. Mistakes must be expected and being held accountable has to be expected
as well. The points below outline some of the common behaviors that show up
often in social justice conversations. I want to be clear that we all
participate in some of the following counterproductive acts. We are not all
privileged or all oppressed. We are complex people with complexidentities
that intersect in complex ways. Therefore, we all show up in
problematic ways with our privilege. I own that my background is from the higher
education setting, but I think the points below can be useful for all folks
interested in creating dynamic change in the communities around them. Moreover,
this piece was written in the midst of the Michael Brown and Eric Garner
non-indictments (many more people could be listed), so some of it may feel
specific to race. However, these rules apply beyond the identity of race; in
fact, these rules only exist in the dynamic of intersections. Below are ten
counterproductive behaviors that people who want to do “good” commit and must
actively work to correct:
1. Quick to marginalize someone else’s experience.
I
was walking through a hotel lobby with colleagues. We were headed to a
conference social, wearing business attire. There were quite a few conference
attendees roaming around the lobby area at that time, all wearing business
attire as well. It was a fairly loud, mingling setting. An older white woman
walked up to me and asked if I knew where she could get fresh towels. I was
puzzled for a moment, which then indicated to the woman that I probably could
not help her.
After
the exchange, I looked at my friend in disbelief. Not utter disbelief or shock,
because it was not my first time experiencing this marginalized view on the
identities that I hold, but it did catch me off guard at my professional
organization’s national conference—a place where we exchange ideas on how to
better serve, educate, and develop the students that we work with. I remember
telling a few colleagues later at dinner and getting this response: “I’m sure
she didn’t mean it like that.”
When
someone shares an experience like this with you, please STOP yourself from
analyzing the situation. Listen, observe, connect with the emotion, and
experience how real it is to the other person, which should in turn make it real
to you. No questions; just listen and learn. Hold on to your questions, which
are the manifestation of your wanting the world to be a kind, goodhearted place.
It is because you see yourself in that older white woman. Get past that. Be
there for your friend, colleague, and mentor/mentee. And maybe ask questions
later.
2. Choose not to speak up.
Choosing
not to speak up has to do either with the fear of your oppressed identity being
pounced on or the presence of your privilege. Regardless, too often, the
courageous few are tasked alone with holding the integrity of inclusiveness in
spaces. Too often, the oppressed have to make a dynamic choice to either speak
or stay silent. To stay silent comes with making peace with your inferiority to
the dominant culture, self-hatred, and finding comfort in the status quo. To
speak is to risk not being a team player, being identified as overly sensitive,
pulling the race/gender/orientation card, not being asked to Happy Hour, not
being considered for promotion, and falling into a simplified caricature of
one’s already watered-down self. Do your work! Consider perspective as you enter
and claim space. Pay attention, observe, and always consider that the ideas
being explored in any space you enter are based on whiteness and a
heteronormative, gender binary (specifically cis-male), abled-bodied,
middle-to-upper-class perspective. Speak up. Do not allow your colleagues and
friends to take on the sole responsibility of shifting culture from “normal” to
dynamic.
3. Respond poorly when held accountable or challenged.
You
are entitled to your feelings. Really, you are; and you are responsible for your
self-development. Here is a secret: The oppressed often fear the response of the
privileged around identity conflict. The oppressed often lose in these
encounters and historically have lost their lives. You often respond without
thinking critically about the information or feedback being given because of
your privilege and ego. We all fall victim to this dynamic, generally around our
salient identities. Acting purely out of emotion and in defense is not only
dangerous to the livelihood of the oppressed, but directly conflicts with your
goal of creating a more just and equitable world.
4. Do not take the time to do your own research. (Expect the oppressed to educate.)
There
is nothing worse than identifying as oppressed and having to not only explain
but to also convince people that your oppression is valid. Pick up a book!
Google it. Read some Audre Lorde, James Baldwin, bell hooks, Janet Mock, Malala
Yousafzai, and Gloria Anzaldua. Do your work. Do not expect all of your
education to come from your Hispanic friend, friend with a mental illness, or
favorite trans+ personality/activist (LaVerne Cox & Janet Mock). Take a true
interest in this crucial conversation, beyond when it is convenient for you.
This is not to say that you can never reach out to your “oppressed”
relationships, but be prepared before you approach them. Be well read and make
Google your friend. It will make a world of difference to your friend that you
took the time to educate yourself. In the future, when you ask your friend
questions, be prepared for a “no” or “not at this time.” The oppressed are
continuously asked to defend their experience, so your question may be too much
in that single moment.
5. See themselves as either good or bad.
We
often will not fess up to marginalizing someone else’s identity or creating a
space that is exclusive in nature. For some reason, we have in our minds that if
we take responsibility for this exclusion, then we are admitting to being a bad
person. Instead, we must see ourselves as good people who will make mistakes.
Good people create spaces of exclusionall the time. That is reality. Even if the
intent was goodhearted, the impact is what matters most. Often, when challenged
on their privilege, people love to default to their marginalized identities in
hopes of subconsciously (or consciously) garnering sympathy. Stop giving
yourself limited choices once a mistake is made. Let go of not wanting to be
seen as a “bad person.” Take responsibility, apologize, learn, and do better in
the future.
6. Execute initiatives of change without the oppressed people at the table.
In
the wake of Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Rekia Boyd, Renisha McBride, and
countless other deaths of black youth, we are seeing more and more rallies,
protests, panels, and online activism by white people. This is mostly done by
well-intentioned white folks who are not inviting or trying hard enough to get
black people at the planning table. Generally, what we end up with is a poorly
planned event that is offensive or exclusive to the people it was meant to
serve. I chose the recent scenarios as examples, since they are on the forefront
of everyone’s mind. This dynamic plays out with all other oppressed identities,
which means that more of us than we would like to admit participate in poorly
planned initiatives created from our privileged lens.
7. Create “mystical negro” (insert any oppressed group) dynamics.
This
is similar to number four, “expect the oppressed to educate.” However, for the
well-intentioned and somewhat in-the-know group, this morphs into something a
bit more intense. You utilize your one friend as the absolute expert on said
oppressed identity in addition to having them serve as your educator and moral
compass. The conversation around said identity becomes less about making
systemic change or a space of support for the oppressed; instead, it moves
toward helping the privileged figure out their lives around said identity. In
turn, the oppressed friend becomes mystical in nature, where their only purpose
is to be there to help move you along in a morally correct life. These folks
have to carry your education and deal with their pain simultaneously. See number
four as a way to improve this one-sided dangerous relationship.
8. Crying.
Your
tears take up too much space. They very quickly turn the issue into an exchange
about your feelings, your education, and making you feel comfortable in your
privilege. Politely tell your tears to have a seat … several seats. A plethora,
really.
When
your tear glands start to well up, STOPor
get the hell up and excuse yourself. This is not saying that your tears or your
hurt feelings do not matter; they just do not have space here. Tears rarely
worked for the oppressed in stopping the oppressor from beating them, selling
them, lynching them, hanging them on a fence, dragging them behind their pickup
truck, shooting them outside their front doors in front of their families,
publicly shaming them, and draining every ounce of worth from their souls. So
they do not serve any use here!
9. Give advice from a place of privilege.
I
heard Melissa Harris-Perry speak about this in a keynote and it stuck with me. I
began to analyze the truth of it as it applies to me. I found that I indeed
offer advice and solutions through my privileged lens. I moved with ease from
conversation to conversation with friends, family, and students through my place
of privilege. This is something that we all do, mostly without being cognizant
of the person and identities that sit in front of us. Now we all can agree that
the horrific abuse of Janay Rice was unacceptable and Ray Rice deserved to be
held accountable for his actions. However, we cannot make the leap that Janay’s
only choice in this situation is to leave Ray. Her decision and our decision can
be drastically different depending on the intersecting identities that we hold.
To impose expectations on people through your experiences is to create exclusive
and hostile environments that are potentially unsafe. It also places the people
you are trying to help in a position to make decisions that are harmful to their
interests.
When
our privilege is involved, it is quite difficult to name it. I work at a
university in support services with a multitude of students, and this scenario
plays out all the time. I am often not conscious of the inappropriate and
sometimes destructive advice I am giving.
A
few examples:
Advising
a student to come out as queer to their family during the holiday break and to
just be themselves.
What
privilege is blocking you from considering that you cannot guarantee the
student’s mental, emotional, financial, and physical well-being in this
scenario?
Advising
a student to go to counseling and psychological services.
What
is the stigma of mental health in communities that they identify with? Do they
have the money/insurance to pay for the ongoing treatment?
Advising
a student to get involved.
Do
they have the time? Are they working several jobs to pay tuition?
Advising
a student to study abroad.
How
will they pay for this? What does leaving their family look like?
We
must interrogate our privilege to appropriately support the people in our
lives.
10. Believe that being loving and kind is enough.
No
matter how kind you are or how much of your heart you share with others,
systematic oppression will still exist. You cannot rest on being kind,
encouraging, and loving. You have to commit yourself to learning more, becoming
conscious of the system, and continually fighting for the cause of equity and
justice, while allowing the oppressed to take the lead. Stay away from comments
and sentiments that ask for passivity and harmony; we are more concerned with
equity and justice. It is easy to retweet or repost a social justice article on
social media and stop there, but that does not mean you are doing anything to
end systematic oppression. We have to move away from the niceties and do
work.
You
do not have to be an expert. Let’s
break down do work. It has already been explored
beautifully by Franchesca Ramsey (@chescaleigh), so there is no need
for me to find a creative way of saying the exact same thing. I am asking
well-intentioned people to do work, such as understand your privilege, listen
and do your homework, speak up but not over, apologize when you make mistakes,
and remember that being an ally is a verb. Additionally, I have added a sixth
point, courtesy of a good friend, which is that you
do not have to be an expert. While all points are crucial, below are two
points I want to explore further.
Do
not allow yourself to be immobilized by your lack of knowledge. You can still do
something if you are willing to risk making mistakes. In fact, you will never
know it all. How could you? Your privilege will not allow you to take in the
full experience of the oppressed. Move past your fear and engage other
privileged folk around you and listen to the voices of the oppressed.
Ally
is a verb.
You
actually have to do something! Being an ally is not silently agreeing with the
oppressed. You must constantly figure out ways to use your privilege to push
forward the voice of the oppressed. The work of an ally should not be an easy
journey. You no longer have the luxury of silence. You should feel pain,
uncertainty, fear, frustration, and exhaustion. It takes risking yourself,
transparency with the oppressed, and calculated action to be an effective
ally.
Please
know that being active in equity work takes stamina, humility, courage, tough
love, a strategic mind, and a forgiving heart.
This
article is shared here with permission from YES!
Magazine, a national, nonprofit media organization that fuses powerful ideas
with practical actions. Cody
Charles wrote this article for The Body Is Not An Apology.
Cody serves as an associate director for academic enrichment in the Office of
Multicultural Affairs at the University of Kansas. He has a passion for topics
on social justice and leadership. Follow
him on Twitter @_codykeith_.
Be The Change: Are there places in your own life where you might be exhibiting
one or more of these counterproductive behaviors? If so, try shifting them this
week. For further inspiration here's a passage by Daniel Goleman on 'Attunement:
An Agendaless Presence".
