To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner
was you. --Lewis B. Smedes
Does Forgiveness Make Kids Happier?
--by Sarah Wheeler, syndicated from Greater Good, Jun 19, 2016
If
you’re a parent or an educator, insisting that children apologize is a
daily—sometimes hourly—occurrence. Apologizing and naming what we’re sorry for
(“I’m sorry…that I called you stupid”) is a major part of our culture’s moral
education. We even coach children to really “say it like you mean it” and to
“think about” what they’ve done when they’ve harmed someone.
However,
we may be forgetting a crucial step in the process of atonement: forgiveness. New
research suggests that we should consider focusing not just on the offender
but also on the injured child’s response to a wrongdoing.
Plenty
has been written about the positive
effects of forgiveness on adults. Studies show that the act of forgiving
someone can make us grown-ups happier, healthier, and more connected. Major
self-help systems, like Alcoholics Anonymous, prize forgiveness as an essential
key to healing and living a productive life. As we understand better what it
means to forgive, we’re also starting to understand more about the role
forgiveness plays in the lives of our children.
Researchers
in the Netherlands set out to learn whether children’s ability to forgive others
was related to their psychological well-being. They asked older elementary
school students (ages 9-13) to think about a time when a classmate did them
wrong. The children then completed a questionnaire measuring how much they had
forgiven the classmate and performed a task where they could give that classmate
credits towards a gift, a behavioral test of forgiveness. They also took surveys
to determine their psychological well-being, including life satisfaction,
happiness, and self-esteem.
After
crunching the numbers, the researchers found that both types of forgiveness were
positively associated with overall well-being, with one caveat: The classmate
who committed the offense had to be considered a friend. With non-friends, there
was no relationship between forgiveness and well-being.
What
might this mean for the children we teach and raise? Although this study didn’t
show a causal relationship, it did suggest a connection between forgiveness and
well-being. It may be that when a child cannot forgive a friend, their
friendship deteriorates and this impacts their happiness. This effect would be
less relevant when dealing with someone whose friendship matters less. In this
way, forgiveness may help children maintain strong relationships. On the flip
side, it may also be that children with higher psychological well-being are more
able to forgive.
As
adults, we have to help children tease out the nuances of their relationships,
including when it’s important for them to practice forgiveness. Here are some
ideas that may help:
Model
forgiveness for children in your own life. Talk explicitly about when and
why you forgive others and tell them clearly when you are forgiving them for
something. Point out examples of the complexities of relationships and the role
forgiveness plays in maintaining them.
Help
kids through the steps of
forgiveness. When a child is wronged, walk them through the process of
acknowledging that harm was done and sitting with those nasty feelings for a
bit; then, make sure they share their concerns with someone else—like a parent
or another friend—before moving on. Help them see that it’s okay to feel hurt,
and identify people they can talk to.
Teach
kids what forgiveness really means. When processing problems, explain to
children that forgiveness is something we do not only for others but also for
ourselves, so that we can let go of our anger and make space for more enjoyable
feelings. When kids forgive, they aren’t condoning the harm done, but choosing
to move past it. Programs like Restorative
Justice, which is gaining popularity in schools, could help.
While
more studies like this one may further illuminate the relationship between
forgiveness and well-being for children, for now it might be worth our while to
move beyond “I’m sorry” as the be-all and end-all goal of conflict resolution.
To raise happier children, we should take steps that lead to a lot more “I
forgive you’s.”
This
article is printed here with permission. It originally appeared on Greater
Good,
the online magazine of the Greater
Good Science Center (GGSC). Based
at UC Berkeley, the GGSC studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of
well-being, and teaches skills that foster a thriving, resilient, and
compassionate society..
Be The Change: Remember that forgiveness is something that does not
necessarily come easy -- it takes commitment, effort, and
strength.
Sourced
From www.dailygood.org
