When we understand the needs that motivate our
own and others behavior, we have no enemies. --Marshall
Rosenberg
Outsmart Your Next Angry Outburst
--by Peter Bregman, syndicated from peterbregman.com, May 26, 2016
Robert
and Howard* had always gotten along well. They’d worked on several projects
together and considered each other friends. So when Robert discovered that
Howard held a strategy meeting and hadn’t included him, he felt betrayed. He
immediately shot off a text to Howard: “I can’t believe you didn’t include me in
that meeting!”
Howard
was in the middle of a client meeting when his phone pinged with a new text.
Stealing a look at his phone, he felt a jumble of things: concern, anger,
embarrassment, frustration, defensiveness. The text distracted Howard, and his
meeting didn’t go as well as he had hoped. His anger grew as he thought about
the fact that in a meeting earlier that week, Robert didn’t support an idea
Howard proposed to Jane, their CEO, even though before the meeting he’d said he
liked the idea. So as soon as Howard stepped out of his client meeting, he shot
off a curt, though seemingly unrelated, reply to Robert: “I can’t believe you
left me hanging in our meeting with Jane.”
Two
little texts — a sentence each — managed to upset a relationship that had been
good for years. It took Robert and Howard weeks to be collegial again, and even
then they felt the damage linger.
There
are so many lessons in this brief but havoc-wreaking exchange. Some are easy:
Don’t text when you’re angry. Ever. In fact, don’t communicate in the middle of
any strong negative feeling. Most of us should not use writing to express anger
or frustration or disappointment; subtleties of feeling are often lost in texts
and emails. And, of course, never check your phone in the middle of a
meeting.
Being
a skillful communicator takes thoughtfulness. So much of our communication has
become transactional — a word here, a sentence there — that we forget
communication, at its essence, is relational.
It
sounds simple, but in reality there is nothing simple about communicating,
especially when emotions are involved. I — and you, I am sure — see this kind of
clumsy communication all the time. At one point or other we’ve all been Howard
and we’ve all been Robert. Situations like this should encourage us to step back
and commit to a clear, straightforward, easy-to-follow framework for
communicating powerfully in any situation.
For
starters, always plan your communication. As you do, remember that organizations
are complex, people make mistakes, and what looks like political backstabbing
may be a simple oversight. In difficult situations it helps to ask instead of
demand, to stay curious, and to open up conversation rather than shut it down.
Give the other person some benefit of the doubt.
Here
are four questions to ask yourself before communicating.
What
outcome do I want? It seems obvious, but in reality it’s unusual that we ask
this question. Often we react to what other people are saying, to our own
emotions, or to a particular situation. But those reactions lead to haphazard
outcomes. Start by thinking about the outcome you’re aiming for, and then
respond in a way that will achieve that outcome. In Robert and Howard’s
situation, the outcomes they wanted were very similar: to be connected, to be
supported, to be included. Yet their reactions to each other brought them the
exact opposite: disconnection.
What
should I communicate to achieve that outcome? Once you know your outcome,
identifying what you want to say is much easier. If I want to be closer to
someone, “I’m hurt that you didn’t include me” is clearly a better choice than
“I can’t believe you didn’t include me!” That small word difference represents a
huge shift in meaning. Of course, for many of us it’s emotionally much easier to
say “I’m angry” than to say “I’m hurt.” One feels powerful, the other
vulnerable. This is one reason why emotional courage is so critical to being an
effective communicator and a powerful leader.
How
should I communicate to achieve that outcome? Your goal here should be to
increase your chances of being heard. So instead of considering how you can most
clearly articulate your point, think about how you can predispose the other
person to listen. Ironically, you don’t do this by speaking at all. Just listen.
Be curious and ask questions. Recap what you’re hearing. Then, before sharing
your perspective, ask if you’ve understood the other person’s. If not, ask what
you missed. If you hear a yes, ask, “Can I share my perspective?” A yes to this
last question is an agreement to listen. And since you just gave a great example
of listening, the other person is far more likely to return the favor.
When
should I communicate to achieve that outcome? For many of us communication
is a gut reaction. Robert shot off his text the moment he heard he had been left
out. Howard immediately responded with his own text in reaction to Robert’s.
Neither one of them paused or were thoughtful about when they should
communicate. The rule here is simple: Don’t communicate just because you feel
like it. Communicate when you are most likely to be received well. Ask yourself
when you are most likely to approach the communication with curiosity,
compassion, and clarity, and when the other person is likely to be generous and
calm.
The
problem with most communication is that it’s easy. Anyone can thoughtlessly type
out a 20-second text or a three-sentence email. But communication is a direct
line into a complex web of emotion that explodes easily. Robert and Howard found
that out the hard way.
Remember,
an explosion can be avoided with a few simple questions that, in most cases,
take just seconds to answer.
*Names
and some small details changed to protect identities
Be The Change: The next time you find yourself upset with another
person, take a few moments to sit with the questions in the article. For more
inspiration read this excerpt by Jill Bolte Taylor, from her book, My Stroke of
Insight.
