You
are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop. -- Rumi
Why Leaders
Need to Grow Authentic Self Esteem
--by Homaira Kabir, syndicated from wearesalt.org, Oct 18, 2016
Over the years, we’ve had a love-hate
relationship with self-esteem, writes Homaira Kabir. There was a time when we
believed self-esteem to be the royal road to flourishing. We had Stuart Smalley
on Saturday Night Live provide us with Daily Affirmations to make us feel special.
We tried to reinforce it in our children by letting them know how exceptional
they were when they failed.
However, later studies showed that
such increases in self-esteem did little for our happiness or performance, but
ample for our egos. Professor Roy Baumeister’s work with self-esteem showed
that we’d been raising a generation of narcissists who went on to wreck havoc
in their lives and in their workplaces.
It now appears that we’d been building
the wrong kind of self-esteem – the kind that is contingent on external factors
such as social approval, success or attractiveness. And as Professor Kristen
Neff has shown, this comes at a price. Feeling better about ourselves as a
result of social comparison ensures that our self-esteem takes a nose dive
every time someone more popular, successful or attractive crosses our path. And
in the global and competitive world we live in, it also sets us up for negative
competition, unethical behaviors and a dearth of empathy.
However, authentic self-esteem is
different. It’s a feeling of worth in our abilities and qualities. As such, its
not conditional upon external evaluations – instead its an inner security that
provides us with the courage to step out into the world and do the right thing.
And research shows that people with this form of self-esteem go on to live
happy and productive lives where they are able to cope effectively with
challenges and rise to their full potential.
This is especially important for
leaders of today. In an increasingly uncertain world, having a sense of
self-worth that stems from being a human worthy of respect, leads to courageous
decisions that may not always win other people’s approval. It also leads to
investing energy in people and their growth, rather than in feeling superior
and infallible, and safeguarding a faltering sense of self-worth.
A Skill of Resilience
Leaders with authentic self-worth come
from a place of congruence where their daily activities are tied to long-term
meaningful goals. Momentary failures are taken in stride as they encourage
their people to continue striving towards a higher purpose that brings them
hope and meaning. Dr. Richard Davidson’s work in neuroscience shows that the
ability to recover from adversity through a positive outlook builds the neural
structure of resilience and leads to wellbeing.
A Culture of Compassion
Authentic self-worth and
self-compassion go hand in hand. People who compassionately accept their
imperfections are tolerant of those of others. As such, they recognize a common
humanity and feel connected with others in the experience of life, rather than
critical of their failings. This instills an environment where employees are
motivated to do what they do best rather than push themselves beyond their
window of tolerance and become disengaged at work.
A Practice of Mindfulness
Leaders with high self-esteem are able
to be present in the moment rather than preoccupied with perceived personal
slights, the need to be right all the time and other unhealthy behaviors to
protect an inflated ego. They are also able to appreciate the vast flow of life
and take perspective every so often to return to a state of homeostasis when
caught in the stress response. Research shows that these skills are what
integrate the neural fibers of the brain towards greater wisdom.
There is one caveat though. For better
or for worse, authentic self-esteem grows in our very early years through the
interactions we have with our primary caregivers. When those interactions are
not attuned with our inner worlds, we grow up with feelings of self-worth that
are contingent upon whatever external influences we grow up with. And studies over
the past 30 years that led to the attachment theory have shown that sadly, that
makes up more than half of us.
The good news is that the three
qualities of self-esteem also build self-esteem. When we practice the skills of
resilience, compassion and mindfulness, we step out of what Professor Jennifer
Crocker, who researches this construct, calls the “ego-system” of contingent
self-esteem into the “eco-system” of authentic self-worth.
And there is more. In their book
Resonant Leadership, professors Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee show how these
three traits are also indispensible for compassionate leadership. They not only
bring out the best in employees, but also allow leaders to sustain themselves
through the relentless demands of work and life and renew themselves
physically, mentally and emotionally.
Now that’s an upward spiral worth
aiming for!
This article originally
appeared in Salt. Homaira Kabir is a positive
psychology coach, a cognitive behavioral therapist and a writer. For more,
please visit her
website, or follow her on Facebook and Twitter
@HomairaKabir
Be
The Change: What is one inner quality that you value about yourself? Spend some
time appreciating and honoring that quality and how it gives you strength and
shapes who you are.
Sourced From www.dailygood.org
